Wizards is an animated movie from around 1977 made by smutty cartoon innovator, Ralph Bakshi. Y’know…the Fritz the Cat guy (and for you true geeks, the force behind the deliciously insane second/third seasons of the 60s Spiderman cartoon).
It’s the story of these two wizards who fight this war in a post apocalyptic earth millions of years in the future, a time where due to constant radiation caused birth defects, Ogres and Orcs are common place. There’s also large amounts of fairies and dwarfs for some reason…although that’s not really explained well…personally anyone transforming into a fairy and sprouting wings out of their back is probably suffering from a birth defect as well.
Anyways, I read that little blurb about the war, and wizards, and I saw this bad ass looking Boba Fett looking dude in the above seen cover and I was like “well this and a shot of Jager…looks like a good night”.
Mother of everything holy, this movie stunk. Now believe you me, I gave it a good shot at impressing me, what with its high concept story and the big breasted fairy seen below.
But….Yep, the nipply wonder in the back of this wagon trail was the only good part. If it hadn’t been for my curiosity in seeing what kind of suggestive pose old Ralph would draw this chick in next…the movie would have been off in the first 10 minutes.
The story. It was confusing conflicting collection of mismatched junk. Wizards and Guns and Nazi propaganda footage (you hear me) and elf warriors in some D-day like invasion. There’s some subplot about a chick who is married to the evil wizard who is preggers and if the baby is a mutant the evil wizard is gonna pitch it out the window…or something…that didn’t go anywhere.
In fact there were a lot of subplots that didn’t go anywhere…mischievous fairies that refused to help the good wizard in some cave…I guess it’s an allegory for the Dutch, but it turned out to be just 20 minutes of the movie that was pointless.
These other two hit men that were with the Boba Fett guy…well, they assassinated these kings, the purpose of which was never really explained. I guess it’s about promoting political instability in the kingdoms, but how that exactly helps the bad guys is never realized. Mainly because the only thing that really helps the evil doers is this old footage of Adolph Hitler…. (again you heard me)
And the Boba Fett guy who I thought would save the picture…well to put it bluntly…he got pooped on. First, he only gets a couple bad ass moments of shooting people in the face and throwing some elf warrior king guy off a cliff before he’s captured by a Papa Smurf looking fella. Then, he unceremoniously gets his name changed half way through from the bad ass “Necron 99” to “Peace”.
Finally he started talking (never a good idea for a bad ass) which lead to crying and finally gets stabbed by the enormously jugged fairy, who just happens to turn all rotten and evil for no reason in a horrible botched plot twist. (Personally, I think she did it as a representative of anyone that has a set in saying “you’re supposed to be the bad ass, you just blubbered like a school girl, and you’re fired. Here’s a sword through the chest by a fairy princess…you sissy britches”)
Overall, this movie left my brain puttering smoke and I was glad to turn it off and go snuggle with my wife instead.
Wizards…bah..yeah…you keep riding Necron 99…ride to a better movie and call me.