Pop-Test Quest: Week 1

IN A WORLD WHERE DIABETES PROBABLY MAYBE HOPEFULLY DOESN’T EXIST, ONE MAN STARTS A JOURNEY FROM WHICH HIS BLOOD SUGAR WILL NEVER RECOVER. HIS MISSION: TRY THE POP-TARTS… TRY THEM ALL! THIS IS… POP-TART QUEST.

I’ll be honest… this is the Pop Tart that started Pop Tart Quest as even a zygote of an idea. I still remember walking through the vast aisles of Wal-Mart, my stomach a chasm of unfulfilled hunger and my tongue a wasteland of flavorlessness. When, from out of the corner of my eye, I spied a delicious toaster treat. It was the visage of that box down there! Doesn’t that just look like amazing, chocolatey, gooey goodness? Yes, yes it does. I was drawn to this box and its promise of a warm hug of chocolate joy.
Image result for chocolate chip pop tarts

As I approached, it was then that I noticed: Wow, there are a LOT of Pop-Tarts! Far more than I ever previously acknowledged. I mostly just ate, like, S’mores. That was as adventurous as I assumed Pop-Tarts got, but I was so, so wrong. And some of them look so good! If only I could try them all….

Well, obviously I can. And I am. That’s the promise I have made to you, the reader. And it’s only fitting that I’m starting with the one that enticed me to begin with…

So how were these after all that build? Almost underwhelming, honestly. The insides are not nearly the dripping, chocolate goo that the box promises, but rather the choppy, congealed sludge that makes up the interior of almost every every Pop Tart. Not that it is a BAD thing–I love Pop Tart sludge; it’s absolutely in my top three sludges–but it was somewhat of a letdown. It’s really not any better than regular Chocolate Fudge or S’mores flavors that have been classics for ages; S’mores is actually decidedly better, to be fair. It was a GOOD Pop-Tart, yes, but it was missing the warm embrace of the womb that I had set it up for in my mind.

What’s worse, I’m relatively certain that this flavor of Pop-Tarts had some kind of adverse effect on my brain, because at about 3am last night, I started yelling in my sleep about Russell Wilson (this is not a joke… I don’t recall it, but Amanda insists I started yelling something about Russell Wilson Pick-Six).  To be fair, I can’t, with 100% certitude, know that Chocolate Chip Pop-Tarts caused this mid-night outburst of fear that my favorite NFL team’s quarterback threw a backbreaking interception… but I can’t DISPROVE it, either. I worry about my mental state should I continue the path of this Quest…

 

Texture:

A+ : These had a great texture, without any frosting on top. It is almost a unfrosted Pop-Tart, BUT it has a lovely swirl of chocolate squirted on it. That’s a lot better than the frosting that always has such a different, harder “feel” than the rest of the Tart.

Flavor:

A- : These were good, don’t get me wrong. But there is a certain disproportion of how good they LOOK versus how good they ARE. So, good… but disappointingly so?

Night Terrors:

F : There is a 100% causation rate in my study of these Pop-Tarts causing middle-of-the-night outbursts and lack of sleep from your wife telling you not to do that. I can not approve on this front.

Toasted-To-Untoasted ratio:

90/10 : Like most of the chocolate flavors of Pop Tarts, these are absolutely meant to be toasted. The toasted Tart was markedly superior to the untoasted Tart (and yes, I’m eating these both ways because I CARE ABOUT YOU, and I want you to have a thorough information packet on Pop Tarts).

Overall:

B+ : Currently, a top tier Pop-Tart. I will report if the Tart-inspired degradation of my sleeping patterns continues, though. This Tart has a nice ceiling, but a very low floor, what with possible insanity and all.

3 Comments Add yours

  1. Sunny says:

    Haha! Nice report! And i am sad to say : No pop Tarts in Germany! We really get a lot of Stuff here from your side of the ocean – but pop tarts haven´t arrived here yet. At least not in the “normal” supermarkets. Often, i see somebody snacking them i a TV-Show or the movies but never had a taste of the stuff myself. Same with Twinkeys! There are some Stores specialised for US Snacks. Probably i should take a look there… It sounds like you really can recommend it (i would go there secretly of course, without telling the wife)…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Not BAMF says:

      A world without Pop Tarts sounds frightening and sad!

      Like

  2. Sunny says:

    I just saw, you can order them @ amazon. Should i dare…? Maybe i wait until you are through with your test series, to see which sort makes it to the top…

    Like

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