IT RETURNS TO YOUR BREAKFAST PLATE THIS WEEK–WAIT, HOLD ON… YEAH, IT’S BREAKFAST. WHAT? DESSERT? NO, IT’S… I’M TELLING YOU, IT’S NOT A DESSERT. THEY’RE MEANT TO BE EATEN FOR BREAKFAST. I DON’T KNOW WHY! HOLD ON, I’M BUSY, I’LL BE BACK–WHERE WAS I? THIS IS… POP-TART QUEST!
Aw, guys. Guys! Did you know that it was my mouth’s birthday? It’s apparently my mouth’s birthday! What did you guys get it?
I looked at my mouth’s birthday list, and all it said was “THOSE WAX LIPS THINGS I LIKE THOSE”. Hmmm, that’s an odd choice, mouth. Can I even get those year-round? I’m not sure. They seem pretty seasonal. And there is the unanswered question of “does my mouth want dracula lips or Goofy Teeth lips or just the big red sexy lips”, and just… sorry, mouth. This is arduous and confusing What else can I get you?
Well, I can get you these birthday-oriented Pop-Tarts, obviously! Why else would I be discussing this during the Pee-Tee-Cue? Look at that box! Doesn’t it just FEEL like a celebration? Look how happy that cupcake is with its colors and its icing. I know, I know: we can’t stick a candle in a Pop-Tart, and that IS a shame. But still…
These are actually pretty great. Like Hot Fudge Sundae before them, they have more of a creamy Pop-Tart ooze that most other flavors, and I had kind of missed that of late. Also, you know what they taste like? They taste like how those Yankee Candle cake batter candles smell. And I have always wanted to eat those candles. Not like the whole thing! But… maybe scoop out a bite and just… see… Because I bet…
ANYWAY. That is a solid +1 for these Tarts; they encourage me to not eventually try to eat a candle. And really, isn’t that the most important thing a Pop-Tart can achieve, being an edible substance?
A : It tastes good. I mean, yeah. Nothing else to say, right?
B+ : Hey, a THIRD kind of sprinkles on my Pop-Tarts! These are those fluffy, kind-of-chalky ones you can buy at the store? That are big, you know? Eh, you can tell from the picture. These are better than the colored rocks on most Pop-Tarts, but not as good as the jimmies that were on previous flavors.
Being Better Than A Candle:
Incomplete : I mean, I still haven’t TRIED the candle, so… who knows?
60% : This was closer than I thought it would be, surprisingly. Untoasted Confetti Cupcakes are still pretty good, but as with most Tarts thus far, toasting is the way to go.
A- : This is feeling like a contender as a Top Five Tart by the time this is all said and done.
And, now, for the first time ever, I present: The Rankings Thus Far!
1. Chocolate Peanut Butter
2. Hot Fudge Sundae
3. Confetti Cupcake
4. Chocolate Chip
5. Wildlicious Cherry
6. Chocolatey Strawberry
7. That fucking Wild Blue Raspberry one. Just… Jesus, no.