So the Ghosts invited me back for this very timely article, and I’m very happy that they did. You see, the last time we did this and put our articles up for vote as to who’s was best, well, I humbly won. Now, do I expect to win again you may ask? I answer with a resounding- Yes. Yes I do. That said, please vote for me, even if Chad, Stew or Andy’s are better, because I am pretty delicate. I need the love. Ok, now that that’s out of the way, here it goes.
10. MU-TH-UR 6000
Ok, so things seem weird with my list right away. Mother, as known to fans of the 1979 film Alien, was the on board computer that controlled the Nostromo, ship of the (mostly) doomed crew.
Mother may have failed at protecting her crew from the murderous xenomorph due to some nefarious directives input by the Weyland Yutani corporation, but boy did she help the titular alien. From awakening the crew early to keeping secret orders, well, secret, Mother really made it easier for the folks on the ship to get picked off one by one.
So for the crew of Nostromo, MU-TH-UR 6000 was truly no help, but for a giant alien creature with a dream to murder space truckers, she was absolutley instrumental in raising him to succeed.
9. Pamela Voorhees
Is your mother a bitch so crazy that she is willing to murder innocent people that just so happen to have the same vocation of the people who may have inadvertently not helped during your accidental drowning?
If the answer is no, then your mother also doesn’t love you as much as Pamela Voorhees loved young Jason.
8. Sarah Connor
First thing. You totally read her name in Arnold’s voice didn’t you? And if you didn’t, you just went back and did, didn’t you? I know, its fun and hard not to do.
Sarah Connor is a bad mom that is actually a great mother. Sure she isn’t taking young John, AKA future leader of the resistance out for ice cream or signing him up for soccer. Yes he may not have friends, or knows how often he should brush his teeth. What he lacks in general social skills he makes up for in other ways. He can ride a dirt bike real fast. He can hijack cash from an ATM using early 90’s looking homemade tech. He speaks enough Spanish to not only help him survive in a Latin country, but also help spawn a world famous catchphrase. Eventually he will add to those skills and protect the human resistance against a coming A.I. attack. And all these skills were learned at the behest of generally otherwise unfit mother, Sarah Connor!
You did it again, didn’t you?
7. Norma Bates
Norma Bates physically only appears in Psycho at the very end of the film, and in full on corpse mode. If you are crying foul right now, please remember if you think that a spoiler can exist from a popular film released in 1960, you are wrong.
Anyways, Norma spends the whole film dead in the fruit cellar and….wait. Wait one sec. What the hell is a fruit cellar? Is that old timey speak for pantry? Or wine cellar, or even just cellar? Does anyone have enough fruit to necessitate an entire cellar to store it? That much fruit would explain Norman Bates’ psychosis maybe even more. That is a ton of natural sugars, and would probably cause havoc on his digestive system after awhile too.
Oh, right, moms. Well Norma’s death (At Norman’s hands) is so traumatic that he begins to believe that he IS her, and goes full on murder crazy. So she must have been a great mom to inspire that level of strange behavior.
6. Animal Mother
Who doesn’t love Adam Baldwin? He is one of our (‘Murica!) great character actors, and he is one of the good parts of the inferior second half of Full Metal Jacket. Here are some other things that he has been great in
- The Last Ship
Ok, so now you have an essential Adam Baldwin TV show list to binge watch on Mother’s Day with your mom. And hey, he’s not bad on the eyes either, she may like that. My mom is a Sam Elliot fan, but it doesn’t mean your mom can’t find Adam attractive. And if your mother tries to convince you he is one of the Baldwin brothers, just go with it. Moms struggle with pop culture factoids.
5. Margaret White
Carrie White’s mother gets a bad rap, but damn is she a memorable character. I didn’t take this assignment thinking it was going to be most nurturing, caring mothers. Nope, I took it thinking it was going to be best in pop culture. Coolest, scariest, whatever makes them the most memorable, that’s what I’m going for.
That said, Carrie’s mother is a nightmare of religious aggression that lives to make her daughter’s life better through the most heinous methods. Lock her in the prayer closet, that should straighten her out. Much like the fruit cellar, I’m not sure a prayer closet is a real thing. Honestly I hope that a fruit cellar is actually the real thing out of these two options. Call her breasts “dirty pillows” and keep her from understanding what it means to become a woman too, and shame her as much as possible. These are just a few of the weapons in the crazed arsenal of Margaret White.
Spoiler alert: She gets hers. Really gets it. Like wait, it’s worth it.
4. Aunt May
First of all, what is happening in those panels I used as the picture. I mean, is this the lost issue where May finds Peter’s crunchy sock collection? Yikes.
Ok, AUNT May is clearly an AUNT and not Peter Parker’s mom. That said, no one in comics has been more motherly, for so many years as May Parker. Even though she has always been about 87 years old, she has been the rock that has anchored Peter’s values and guided Spider-Man’s decisions as well from the time he started web slinging as a young teenager.
If you don’t agree with this because she is his aunt and not mom, remember I have also used a computer and a male marine on this list as well.
3. Lorraine McFly
Lea Thompson was one of my formative screen crushes growing up in the 80’s. From Jaws 3D to Howard The Duck and more, I likey her. I likey a lot. Her most well known role is probably as Marty McFly’s horny teenaged mom in the Back To The Future trilogy. This is what gets her on this list.
When we first meet Lorraine in 1985, she is a schlubby housewife who may have a minor drinking problem. Drop back to 1955 and we meet an incredibly cute and demure teenage Lorraine, who quickly shows that she isn’t as innocent as she seems. She smokes, she drinks and she tries to f#ck a guy who turns out to be her future son. In other words, a true wild card.
In the end we see Lorraine fall for the man of her density, I mean destiny, George McFly. This causes her to grow up to be a much better version of herself in the alternate 1985 at the film’s end, and wiggle her way onto this list. oh, who am I kidding, I just wanted to look at a picture of prime era Lea Thompson. (BTW, she is still hot AF. And her daughter Zoey Deutch is a clone of her in early days)
2. Ellen Ripley
Ellen Ripley’s real daughter, Amanda, passed away of old age while her mom floated through space for 57 years. There is a deleted scene from Aliens in which she learns this, and it is quite effective in understanding why she becomes so maternal with Newt for the rest of the film.
Newt is a orphaned young girl, alone on a outpost ravaged by the titular Aliens. Ripley, a woman out of her time and missing her own daughter decides to become protective of Newt, and goes above and beyond. As a 44 year old grown man, I would have probably abandoned that kid several times, instead of the perils that surely awaited. Not Ripley. Nope, Ripley chased Newt into the sewer systems, fought off face huggers and then literally went into a pit filled with the creatures to rescue her after she was nabbed by them.
Ripley has juevos. Juevos enough to fight a giant Queen version of theses nasty monsters to save the little girl, delivering one of moviedom’s greatest quotes in the process. A mother in blood no, but in every other way, absolutely.
1. Jules Winfield
This man, played by one of the baddest mother f#ckers on earth, Samuel L. Jackson, is the secret weapon that makes Pulp Fiction work so well. Sure Travolta is good, and deservedly revived his career with his turn in this, but no one caught more eyes than Jackson as hitman Jules Winfield. From his look, to his line delivery, this is a man that proves he is the baddest mother of all time.
In the end, this list comes down to one thing and one thing only. Only this character has this wallet, which puts him at the number 1 spot. Sorry to actual nurturing mothers out there in pop culture land, but this puts him over the top.